The Snark of St Gregarious
by bardvahalla
Summary: Seekest thou the word of the Shored? Seekest it here
1. Chapter 1

Words of our Shored

The Snark of St. Gregarious

Chp. 5 - Pts. 1-15

In the beginning there was wretched darkness of reality TV, and the Shored was displeased, and He said, 'Let there be Snark.' 1

And it was good. 2

And the Shored made St. Gregarious to be the vessel unto which He poured His Snark, and gave him a great and abiding intellect, whilst drawing a few obvious parallels to a much beloved Sleuth of Baker Street. 3 But the Shored gave unto House also scruffy good looks, and musical talent, and great powers of observation, and an iPod, and expensive shoes, and a motorcycle and a Vicodin addiction. 3

Unto House, the Shored made an infarction in his limb, and a past relationship of enduring angst, and eventually, a small furry companion named Steve. 4

Unto these, even before and after, He gave House young, pretty companions to teach his worldly wisdom to, and unto them to foist tiresome tacks and other bureaucratic crappola so that he might make merry at their expense whilst he did watch medical soaps. 5

Yea verily, the Shored decided a lack of blonde chicks would raise the intellectual bar for high end product placement. 6 And this too was spiffy, as the sponsors did squirm in pleasure. 7

Yea verily, yea.

The Shored knew that House needed a brother in whom he might confide his wretched pain and angst, and to whom he might make witty asides. 8 The Shored provided him with a boyishly cute fraternal companion, the Apostle James, known throughout in the land for his monumental matrimonial muddles. 9

And, not unexpectedly, p.w.p. fanfic didst flow like phlem in a waiting room. 10

And lo, a Hugh and cry went up amongst some followers of St. Greg, that House lay alone, and that he needed a bosom companion for his heart - mayhap even some sloppy hickies, or at the very least a female companion to whom Greg would not have to provide an hourly stipend. 11 And the Shored didst hear these cries. 12

And lo, another roar arose, to cry House would be best kept afar from the putrid Abyss of Romantic Entanglements, a vast wasteland where lay the withered, pathetic remains of Mulder & Scully, and Nigel & Daphne, to name but a few. 13

And the Shored didst hear the cries of these other people, and lest House fall into the Abyss that did slay the devotion of the majority of St. Greg's followers, the Shored did crush the potential bosom companions of St. Greg like creepy bugs on the sidewalk. 14

And the fandom didst rejoice and/or rend their clothes, depending on their shipping preferences. 14 And the Shored did say unto the whiners, 'Cry me a river, build an bridge and get over it'. 15

Here endeth the Lesson.


	2. Chapter 2

The Snark of St. Gregarious

Part the Second

Chapter 6: 1-7

And the Shored didst go hear the various malcontented comments of the fandom and say unto himself, (quietly so as not to cause consternation) 'canst they not get a life?' 1

But the Cameronites did so carry on - beating their breasts, and wailing, and rending their garments, and torturing kittens, and sending in multitudes of those pesky subscription cards in the names of the neighbours the didn't like (and who really had no interest in receiving catalogues from Victoria's Secret or subscriptions to Radar magazine). 2

And the Cuddyites didst also protest, but not so much as the Cameronites, becauseth bullying illegal immigrants is somehow less offensive than doing crystal meth and bonking Chase against a wall. 3

And the Stacyites didst get their legal briefs in a knot, and didst squirm and wonder why she didst put upeth with House at all since it becamest apparent he was a clingy, unethical, little rat-like creature. 4

And the Wilsonites did happily writhe in angst and wonder if St. Greg didst, if fact, bat for the other team, and wonder if it would be so seeing as the chronicles of St. Greg were on the envelope/taste pushing Network ofFox

And the forum didst pulse with vinegar and biological byproducts of a pale yellow nature. 5 Yea verily. 6

And the Shored didst smile to Himself in secret and say, 'at least the great unwashed have something to yap about roundst the watercooler'. And He was content and didst smirk to Himself accordingly. 7

Here endth the Lesson.


	3. Chapter 3

The Snark of St. Gregarious, Part Three

Chapter 7, 1-9

And the Shored didst skim over the more racy commentary of the forums and note the musings of some who did believe House might be a tad limp of wrist and a bit too interested in fashionable shoes - not that there wast anything wrong with that. 1

And the Shored pondered this mightly over a five martini lunch with His inkubi and said unto them: 2

'Let us mess with their heads and perhaps they will lighten up a bit in thy sight'. 3

And it was made so, and in a tone so coldly sarcastic his nipples couldst cut diamonds, House didst say unto Cuddy, "I'm gay, … etc. etc. -" 4

Ands the Inkubi of the Shored didst watch in horror as many clung onto to thesse words like a drugged-out groupie unto Bono. 5 And the hoards of Wilsonites who fervently wished House to be so didst go batpoo insane. 6

Voices of reason resonated in the Land, and triedeth to explaineth that the Shored was being facetious unto House, but great discord arose and many cried out that not to take the words of House as Canon wouldst be blasphemy, even thoughest House often yanked on the lower limbs of others to maketh a point or avoidingeth a question.7

Andst the whanck did flow so profusely that Japanese tourists didst take copious holiday snaps of it, under the mistaken impression they were in the vicinity of Niagara.8

And the Shored didst bang His head against a table and didst drink straight from the carafe and didst wonder why He didn'tst go into a nice job like accounting liketh His mama told Himst to. 9

Here Endeth the lesson.


	4. Chapter 4

The Snark of St. Gregarious

Chapter 9

Part the fourth

And it came to pass that the lawsuits piled up against St. Greg, so vast they resembled a mountainous region, even unto the heavens.1

And the Apostle Cuddy, she of the exposed woo-woos, didst say unto St. Greg: 'Woudst it hurteth thee to be niceth just onceth and not createth a legal fiasco in thy sight?"2

St Greg didst limp over to The Apostle Cuddy and replyeth: "Verily, thou should not speaketh so coldly to me, forsooth - it hath giveth thee highbeams and someone might loseth an eye."3

And lo, Stacy cameth unto House bearing gifts of spittle and venom, and she sayth: "Why hast thou peeketh in my personal files and tormenteth my beloved husband, and so act like a swine, even unto my personal abode?"4

St Greg didst say: "Come again?" and he did pull out the earbuds from his iPodeth and did pause the game on his PSPeth, and didst leer at the sweatermeat Stacy didst conceal within her knit blouse and generally didst act like the north end of a horse in the process of going south.5

And Cameron, who didst hide beneath the desk of St. Greg, didst wonder at his musings did silently implore the Shored to stop making her sucheth a weenie, most especially since St. Greg had recently partaken of a feast of burritos.

Yea airly.6

But the Shored heard her not, and did spent His lunch musing upon the much ignored character of Foreman, who wast far more mysterious and interesting in our sight, becauseth he hath tattoos which maketh him hotteth, so sayeth the Profit Margin.9

Here Endeth the Lesson.


	5. Chapter 5

The Snark of St. Gregarious

Part the fifth

Chapter 17, 1-15

And the Apostle Cuddy, weary of the plethora of lawsuits that plagueth the House of St. Greg, didst proclaim that the pretty, young companion named Forman should be Head of House, **1** and gave unto him authority to say even unto St. Greg, "Thou art a female cur that belongeth to me." **2**

St Greg didst pout mightily and tormenteth Foreman with many administrative duties while St. Greg playeth the ponies, imbibeth spirits and admonish bystanders who wished to show offeth their CPR skills. **3**

It came to pass that a woman came to pass out, **4** and St. Greg didst take her unto the Princely House of Healing for consultation. **5** Yea, verily, did all the pretty companions of St. Greg didst take full advantage of the Apostle Cuddy's proclamation, and didst act like wankers in his sight. **6** Especially Cameron, who whineth mightily to Chase, - who pointeth out that whileth St. Greg can merrily partaketh of Vicodin and payeth fallen women hourly stipends, that Cam dideth crystal meth and bonketh Chase against a wall and thus might not haveth credibility in the Apostle Cuddy's sight. **7**

Yea verily. **8**

And St Greg of House didst wear only sunglasses whilst riding his hog, **9** and madeth a point of posing hotly in a leather ensemble, and of pluggingeth Nike sneakers in our sight. **10**

The Shored didst make allusions to inappropriate applications of strawberry preserves and the scent of grapes **11** that didst giveth the masses a great and abiding craving for toast and jam. **12**

And Foreman didst meeteth in secret with the Apostle Wilson to ponder the idea of St Greg being his female cur for an age to come. **13** And the slashers did implode and leave greasy marks upon the walls. **14**

And the Shored did biteth his tongue until it bled. **15**


	6. Chapter 6

The Snark of St. Gregarious, Part the Sixth.

Chapter 12, 1-10

St. Greg didst journey to a distant city with Stacy, for the charges upon St. Greg by the courts were many and entwined, like the grapevines that do creep upon a trellis and bear fruit, which is then made into a fermented liquid that goeth well with French cuisine… but I digresseth.1

And it came to pass the weather turned most foul, and Stacy didst prebook a hotel room and sayth unto St. Greg that she didst anticipate the cancellation of the flight, but verily t'was to bonketh St. Greg in our sight.2

Thus didst St. Greg and Stacy each giveth the other an exploratory tonsillectomy using their own tongues, when LO! the cell phone of St. Greg didst ring and spoil the moment.3

Verily, as the Shored didst mess with our minds, and didst make a multitude of repeat episodes to air, that the Stacyites, the Wilsonites, and the Cameronites didst writhe in unresolved sexual anticipation, (Tho perhaps it was but the spicy nacho dip that was partaken the days beforeth during the superbowl - Goeth Pittsburg! Yea verily!).4

And it came to pass that St. Greg and Stacy didst get onst a flight home, and the Apostles Wilson and Cuddy didst suspect something was up with House.5 Verily, Wilson didst say unto him, "Is that a Golden Globe in thy pocket, or art thou just pleased to see-eth me?"6

Verily, St. Greg didst say unto Wilson, "Funny thou shouldeth mention that." 7

And Stacy didst ponder whether to bonketh St. Greg but Cameron didst not ponder thusly, since she was still uncertaineth whether she passed her HIV test, and Foreman didst cut her inst on a sure thing bet, but verily Cameron blewest it, for the Shored didst make her a mighty weenus.8

And St. Greg, his temptation being great, did bonketh Stacy mightily, and lo! the sight of hairs on the chest of St. Greg didst causeth the pro-Stacyite fangirls to go 'squeee' and stain the furniture. Yea verily, it alsoeth maketh the Cameronites wail, knash their teeth, tear their clothes, cover themselves with ashes, nibble their nails, throw crockery, scareth the curs, threateneth legal action for mental torment and shout rude epitaphs unto the Shored … until House later said unto Cameron "I love thee" and then his words (although a blatant fib to make her mouth drop soeth so he might get a saliva sample) didst make the Cameronites squeeeth unto the endth of the episode.9

And House, beingeth a miserable sod, but also wise, didst nip the affair with Stacy in the bud. And the Cameronites didst rejoice and the Stacyites did wail, and the Wilsonites didst try to wildly PWP/slash that last moonlight scene within canon.10

And the Shored didst meet with his writing staff and say unto them, "Keepeth the pants of St. Greg zipped upeth until a later episode, whenst we canst introduce another love interest, preferably of the sort that requireth an hourly stipend, and doth mess with the minds of the faithful once more."11

Here endth the lesson.


	7. Chapter 7

The Snark of St. Gregarious, Part the Seventh.

Chapter 12, 11-26

And the Shored didst meet with his writing staff and say unto them, "Keepeth the pants of St. Greg zipped upeth until a later episode, whenst we canst introduce another love interest, preferably of the sort that requireth an hourly stipend, and doth mess with the minds of the faithful once more."11

And so the Angle of the Shored didst go unto the Profit Margin, and say 'Lo!'12

Andst the Profit Margin didst sayth unto the Angle of the Shored, 'Who art thou calling a ho?'13

Then the Angle of the Shored did turn off the voice effects unit and did enunciate more clearly, andst the Profit Margin lowered the baseball bat. 14

'St. Gregarious of the Hourly Stipend is upon us, ye verily', announced the Angle of the Shored, 'Go forth amongst the Cameronites, and the Stacyites and the faithful who favor the Apostles Cuddy or Wilson, and proclaim the word, that St. Greg is come.'15

The Profit Margin heard the tidings of the Angle of the Shored and fell to her knees and proclaimed, 'But if I go forth to tell the followers of St. Greg that he is to bonketh bimbos forever in thy sight, they shall form a multitude of shippy fangirl cliques, and each rend the flesh of the other.'16

Yea, verily, the Angle didst smile upon the Profit Margin and say, "Moveth thy posterior or I shall sticketh a lighting bolt up thy sphincter."17

And so it came to pass that St Gregarious didst read foreign medical journals, and didst tempt his enemy to his lair, after St. Greg did perform experimentations on the comatose guy and causeth Cuddy's bosom to heave mightily in indigation.18

It came to pass, after the commercial break, that St. Gregarious, in the robes of an Anachist, did crash a lecture and give the Apostle Wilson a multitude of zingers.19

And Cameron didst come unto St. Greg and St Greg didst refuse her temptations, pleading a migraine and did crawl under his desk to find comfort with a good book. 20

The Apostle Wilson didst say unto St. Greg, "Thou art an knob. Why didst thou forsake Stacy, who loveth thee, even though thou art a boil on the butt of humanity?" 21

And St. Greg didst say to the Apostle Wilson, 'Biteth me.' 22

And LO, a great and resounding squeeing didst fill the land during the shower scene, 23 and St. Greg didst hum 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds', as Cameron, being a weenus in the sight of the Shored, didst squeal on St. Greg to the Apostle Cuddy, whose boobies did once again heave mightily and cause a great stirring in the loins of the male demographic, and up to 10 of the females. 23

Yea verily, St. Greg didst return to his abode, and drank of the water of life, also called 'single malt scotch' – and needing a diversion, St Gregarious of the Hourly Stipend did place a outcall to Hot Brunettes Who Look Like Young Lawyers Who Once Bonkethed St Greg.24

And hark, ye can still hear the wailing, whining, teeth-grinding, wall-pounding and kitten-strangling of the Cameronites.25

And the Profit Margin didst take out extra insurance and say unto the Shippers, 'I am but the messenger of the Angle of the Shored. Pleaseth, putteth down the ax handles and torches and we'll worketh this outeth.'26

Here endth the lesson.


	8. Chapter 8

The Snark of St. Gregarious.

Chapter 34, 1-8

Hymn 69

And St. Greg didst look upon the fabulous knockers of his patient and say; "How dost thou like them apples".1

The Apostle Cuddy didst compare her knockers to the patients of St. Greg, and sayth to herself, "Eveneth the fat dude hath perkier ones than mine own. Gravity hath taken a toll, and I hath overpaid."2

The it came to pass that She who is a Weenus, also know as Cameron, didst squeal on St. Greg, and St Greg, being burdened with much agony didst want to kick the back of her front – lower - the fleshy part - but did not wish his pain to be known.3

So St. Greg came unto the Apostle Cuddy, and sayeth to her, "Wouldeth thou relive mine pain, for I would not have it known that I suffer thusly."4

And the Apostle Cuddy sayeth to St. Greg, "The Apostle Wilson believeth thy agony is but a load of cattle droppings, as do I."5

And heart St. Greg filleth with wrath, and he droppeth his trousers, exposeth his y-fronteth unmentionables and sayth, "Look upon mine boo-boo and sayeth that again, beeaitch."5

Lo, the very ground did shake with the squeeings of the faithful, who doth looked upon the undergarments of St. Greg in great wonder, and didst screencap until their fingers bled, and maketh icons with pithy remarks unto the end of time.6

Meanwhileth, the Apostle Cuddy did relent and say, "Bend over and I shall pricketh thee."

And lo, St. Greg didst return unto the Apostle Cuddy for another pricketh, and she said unto him: 'You art bustedeth. Nyah nyah."7

Yea verily.

Riseth now and sing.

Hymn 69 – Song of Thongs

I whacked Wilson upon his shin, his cry reached far and wide.

Cameron didst squeal on me – Shouldeth I tan her hide.

Boobies, as those of a supermodel's, yet her testicles are not.

So I went unto her Cuddyness and asketh for a shot.

The eyes of fangirls opened far and wide,

Whenst I dropped my cane and my pants with pride.

The debate is finished – look and you may see

Boxers? Briefs? – Tis' both! - Now… proceed to squee.

Here endeth the lesson.


	9. Chapter 9

The Snark of St. Gregarious

Letter from the Profit Margin to the faithful

Part 23-33

And the Apostle Wilson didst send a missive unto St. Greg which sayth "I, your brother in all but blood, who sets thee before all, especially ladies who labor for an hourly stipend after the sun hath set, do speak with the mouth of the Shored and beseech thee to know that Cameron is a Weenus." 23

"Oh Shored, why hast thou forsaken me?" St. Greg didst smile and reply, "Yea Verily, Cameron is a hemoroid." 24

But it came to pass that Cuddy didst choosesth that moment to interrupt, andst her bosom didst mightily heave as she verbally inserted a second sphincter unto St. Greg, who mimicked pain but secretly didst enjoy it. 25

And lo, the Land of Foxforum didst rumble with malcontent, and the faithful didst stomp off in a huff, but were lured back with sweetmeats and fine linens that onest did put on the front and leave the back open for ease of examinations, yea verily, just like the sort that St. Greg wore. 26

Meanwhilest… the Wilsonites didst squee atst the words of the Apostle Wilson, and sigh at St. Greg's smile at these words. 27 They didst snicker at weenus comments directed towards the Cameronites, and the Cameronites didst wail unto the Shored, 'Giveth us a break, already!" 28

And the Chaseans, who only now hath begun to copeth with the idea that Cameron hath bonkethed Chase against a wall whilst higher than a Sirius satellite, didst now resenteth that Chase's character now resembleth wallpaper inst the background, yea verily. 29

Foremanians, being wise, didst keep their counsel, yea verily, didst secretly plot to send the Shored their intimate undergarments with the words "Foreman Supporter" written onst them. 30 Andst far away inst yet another fandom, Skinner, - the who is the Surly Pectoral God of the FBI didst rumble unto them, "Copycats." 31

And lo, a cry arose for the Snark of St Gregrarious to be delivered unto the foxforum, but the Profit Margin hadst been banned from the land, and given a wedgie in their sight, andst verily the Profit Margin knewst how to taketh a hint. 32

Andst so the Profit Margin didst decide to abide quietly until new episodes didst becometh aired, lest her profitseizes decline into self-indulgent drivel. Yea verily, hot mama. 33

Here endth the lesson.


	10. Chapter 10

The Snark of St. Gregarious

Chapter 45, 1-17

A plague did overtake the naughty bits of the patients, and there was much stinging and burning at the tip, with pustules that festereth and a great running of sores.1 And St. Greg didst look upon a clinic patient who did claimeth to haveth the hots for females of a bovine bent and St. Greg thinkethed to himself, Bullpoopeth, and didst not prescribe the pills that would subdue his little Elvis.2

Thus St Greg didst hide in his office and tune into WKRP and listeneth to his most favoured of DJs, Dr. Johnny Fever. (Actually, I just madeth that part upeth. Ten pointeth to those who can maketh the connection.)3

Yea Verily.4

It came to pass that his patient blew a heart valve, and needeth a new organ. 5 So St. Gregarious didst appeal to the Apostle Cuddy and didst ask for a used one. 6 And the Apostle Cuddy said, "Alas no, for thy patient is older than dirt and hath already liveth long and fruitfully."7

And St. Greg sayth unto her, "You both sucketh and bloweth."8

And Wilson did say unto St. Greg, "I do not bonkingeth anyone but my wife. Why canst thou not believe me?"9

And St. Greg didst say unto Wilson, "Becauseth there are pink lip prints on thy trouser fly, brother."10

Then the Shored provided a dying woman of large stature, and St. Greg did badger her husband into signing donor consent forms, and the husband did booteth St. Greg right in the nads, and he didst crumple to the floor so his testicles might throbbeth in agony more comfortably.11

And the clinic patient didst confess that he didst have a hot mama, and was in danger of developing a serious Opedius complex, so St. Greg didst take pity upon him and prescribe anti-MILF meds.12

Verily, the Wilsonites did hold their breath, and didst turn red, then blue, then purple, then they felteth faint as they collectively gasped when the Apostle Wilson didst arrive at the abode of St. Greg, with a suitcase and his boyish good looks, and didst beg to be taken in for a few days.13

The Apostle Wilson sayth unto House, "mine wife hath bonketh another and yea, verily, I am messed upeth."14

And the Wilsonites didst scream long and wildly in great and abiding pleasure, for reasons that are best left unsaid, but suffice to say that fics entitled 'Brokeback Princeton' will likely enter into it. 15

Then Cuddyites and the Cameronites didst knash their teeth, and breaketh crockery, and whine shrilly causingeth crystal glasses to shattereth, and generally pout as the Wilsonites didst frolic naked and jig and cavort, and pole-dance and throw confetti and post angsty song lyrics that reminded them of their favorite angst-ridden scene, and then they continued to caper until the very soles of their feet blistered. 16

And the Shored did read the massage boards at the Fox Forum and didst thinketh to Himself,

"Oh crappeth! What hath I done now?"17

Hear endth the lesson.


	11. Chapter 11

The Snark of St. Gregarious

Part the 11th.

Chapter 56, parts 1-18

In which St. Greg and the Apostle Wilson shacketh up.

Thus St. Greg wast awakened by the sound of Wilson's toenails going pingeth.1 And he didst stop his ears with cushion of his bed, but the sound of the blowingeth of hair didst make St. Greg arise and say unto the Apostle Wilson, "You do this thing, and yet I do not believe."2

So Wilson didst run his fingers through his copious raven locks and sayth to St. Greg. "Nyah-Nyah.3 And St Greg didst cast the Apostle Wilson from his abode, for he didst not want to be told he wast thinning on topeth.4

Meanwhilst, a patient wast brought before St. Greg and he didst stand manfully before the whiteboard and debate the merits of sexual roleplaying with his minions.5 And Cameron didst conjecture that a man and his loving wife might still haveth a threesome but holdeth their love and vow sacred.6 And St. Greg didst exchange meaningful glances with Foreman and Chase, as the Cameronite did SQUEE and make notes for Cam/Chase/Wilson and Cam/House/Wilson and Cam/Foreman/Cuddy… and well, thou getteth the picture.7

Anywayeth, St Greg and Foreman didst quarrel about whether Bob didst suffer from Lupus or frometh an addition to Heavy Metal. 8 And Foreman was very forceful, and studly and ever so hotteth… but I digresseth. 9(And will now beggeth the Cameronites to refrain from writingeth what was going through her head as she watched St. Greg takingeth a leak. Pleaseth.) 10

And it came to pass (no puneth intendedeth) at the clinic, St. Greg didst examine a patient with the Clappeth, and didst tell him his significant other wouldst also needeth meds for her "crotchrot" and the patient protesteth and say unto St. Greg," How can it be that I am striken so, for I hath lain with no one but my good lady wife?"11

And upon returning to his abode, didst St. Greg taste the stuffed peppers of the Apostle Wilson, and he didst swoon over the macademia nut pancakes, saying unto his staff, "Even 72 virgins with a vicodin chaser do not compare even unto this." 12 And yea verily, St. Greg didst pilfer the salad of the Apostle Wilson, who did say unto House, "What the Phucketh, dude?"13

And St. Greg didst get hauled into Cuddy's office, and with the wisdom of Solomen didst his prove to the Good Lady Wife that the husband had bonketh another and contractedeth Herpes, the Greek God of Pissing Razors. 14

And he didst conclude that Bob was beingeth poisoned by his doting wife, and didst St. Greg, in a very manly fashion, speedeth home on his hog and seek out a box, but within his abode wast a domestic servant of the Apostle Wilson, yea verily. 15

And St Greg didst prove that Bob's wife wast, in facteth, poisoning Bob, and Cameron did lose her bet and

The Cameronites didst squee when the Shord decreed a tight shot on their toughing fingers. 16

And Wilson did lose his lunch and his hold on an apartment, for St. Greg deletedeth the message and the Wilsonites did writhe and squee and hop up and down and doeth that little happy dance that throweth out backs. 17

The Foremanites didst stamp their feeteth and cry unto the Shored that once, just once, couldst not Foreman be right and House wrong, just for a changeth? 18

And the Profit Margin didst say unto one of her reviewers. 'Oedipus scmoedipus! As long as you love your mummy!' 19

Here endeth the Lesson

Testeth Monday. Spelling counteth.


	12. Chapter 12

Snark of St. Gregarious.

Part the 12th

Verse 1.

It came to pass that the progeny of the Profit Margin did not set the VCR to record whist she didst work at her night job, and the she did wail, gnash her dentures, stomp her high heeled footwear, whine and ultimately sell her first born into indentured servitude for forgetteningeth to tapeth House.

In great consternation, her second born did say unto her, "Getteth thee a grip, Mater, for it iseth only a TV show."

Yea verily, the Profit Margin didst say unto the #2 fruit of her loins, "Thou art grounded until the end of time, and thou shalt not receive thy allowance either. Now, getteth thee to bedst and thinketh hard upon what hath come to pass, less ye too be sold into servitude."

Here endeth the lesson.


	13. Chapter 13

The Snark of St. Gregarious.

Chapter 14

(And if thou art new to the Snark of St. Greg, there is no Part 13 due to an announcement that wast takeneth down so freaketh out not.)

Time did passeth, like gas after a burrito fest, and Season the third of House MD didst commence. And it came to pass that House did walketh, runneth, skateboardeth, etceth, and didst attract the attention of a nubile young thingeth of the female persuasion.

This nubile young thingeth chase after House shamelessly, and didst annoy St. Cuddy – she of the aging ovaries AND the Apostle Cameron – she of the Xenaesque hairdo – and they didst tell House to not encourageth this nubile young thingeth (even thougheth it wast technically legal in New Jersey to bangeth her like a screen door in a hurricane - even on the Fox Network – yet it doth still be-eth morally frowneth upon for St. Greg to contemplateth doing any thingeth er… at all).

And the Shored did giggle at the reaction of the multitude of the Merry Sueians, who did doth cry and lament (and secretly squeeth) that House did want to do-est a teenage girl. And the Merry Sueians didst whisper and whine and write fics where House did doth giggle and chat about girly things and generallyeth act like a twait, only scruffier and with a bigger vocabulary.

And the Shored didst throw uppeth a little in his mouth.

And the Cuddites and the Cameronites didst wail and bitch and say thingeths like, "mayhap Cameron isn't too youngeth for St Greg after all" and "When iseth House going to do an installation on House V. 2.0 on his Dell Cuddytop".

Yea Verilyeth.

And the multitude of the House faithful, who were not pre-pubescent girls – did patiently watch baseball, and enjoyeth the show, and didn't not lie awake nights wondering if Foreman secretly hadeth a thing for Cameron – of only she would dress up ineth a Daffy Duck outfitteth.

Here endeth the Lesion.

And be this clear, that for a 40-somethingeth male to desireth a hotteth 17 year old girl is not a fetish, but consideredeth to be completely normal. Howevereht, if 40-somethingeth male to desireth a hotteth 17 year old girl who iseth dressed up like Daffy Duck, THEN it iseth a fetish. - kthxbieth


	14. Chapter 14

The Snark of St. Gregrious

Chapter 14 (a)

St. Greg's Letter to His Squeeing Fandom is which he preaches restraint, excepting of courseth, the bits where he doth not.

Blessed be the Fandom of House and all those who Squeeth upon me, even the ones who use all caps and annoyeth the hell out of everyone.

Let this truth be cleaven unto your young nubile bosoms (that I wilst not mess with until thou are at least 21 - and hath shown photo ID and it hath been confirmeth the ID is not false in my sight) these commandments, for to guide you away from the Guano fouled madness.

Commandment the First: I, St. Greg, am not afflicted with Aspergers. Wilson was just messing aroundeth. I do, howeverth, have a God complex of Biblical proportions.

Commandment the Second: She wast a hooker in mine sight, and in my bed, and on topeth of my fridge, okeyeth? She was not delivering a pizza, and/or (Inserteth implausible excuse here). Dealeth with it.

Commandment the Third: I sometimes findeth teenage girls (who are extremely hotteth) attractive and maketh pointed remarks about their perkieth ta-tas. I alsoeth smoketh cigars, playeth poker, messeth with patients minds, getteth patients drunk, inspire ex-patients to shoot me in the chesteth and, yea verily, peeth in fronteth of Cameron soeth she will thurneth that neat shadeth of purple.

Commandment the Fourth: I don't liketh people in general. I do liketh rats. I have no problemeth doing medical experiments on either group for mine own amusement

Commandment the Fifth: I shall not father Cuddy's baby. Wilson will.

Nyah Nyah.

Commandment the Sixth through Tenth: Trusteth thou in the Shored and stop whiningeth so damn much. It is giveth me a migraine.

Go forth upon the fandom of House and stay calm of mind, else I must prescribeth a bottle of chill pills madeth of glucose.

Now bloweth - for I am trying to readeth _American Gods_ by Neil Gaiman, and thou are annoying me to excess.

_Here Endth the letter of St Greg._


	15. Chapter 15

The Snark of St. Greg

Part the Fifteenth

A voice came out of the wildness and onto the ear of the Prophet Margin and said unto her: Thou art using a multitude of 'eths' in thy work and it irketh me."

And the Prophet Margin said bitterly unto the voice, "And your pointeth is?" before she stompeth offeth in a huffeth.

And a vision came unto the Prophet Margin wherein she saw St. Greg go forth unto the city of the Humungously Apple-shaped Fruit, and he didst get up on stage, and play a stringed instrument, and ad lib when a prop didst fail, and a plethora of other things that didst make the followers of St Greg squee long and mightily – even though "squee" technically isn't a word, but thou knowest what I meaneth.

It came to pass here that St. Greg didst don a hot purple miniskirt and blonde wig, and didst file his nails, and showeth off his gams – which were strangely alluring in mine sight so that even the Prophet Margin did squeeth. Yea verily.

And there came onto the Faux network a shiny new episode of St. Greg, after weeks of sports which noone gaveth a rat's gluteous maximus for – at leasteth I didst not – GOETH BLUE JAYS!

Anywayeth, House didst get all snippy forsooth, he did believe that Wilson bonketh a blonde nurse, and didst break into a locker to proveth his point, even aftereth Cameron didst confess she didst bonketh the nurse – explaining the weird looketh on Foreman's face who, as it turneth out, wast the one who bonketh the nurse in our sight after all, yea verily… eth.

And there was much squeeing in the House.

And the Cuddites did moan because St. Cuddy was not knocketh uppith.

And the followers of the Apostle Chase did whine because he was a weenie.

And the Apostle Foreman/Chase shippers didst sigh because their ship sank.

And St. Wilson/St. Greg shippers did stampeth their booties because House wasn't inviting James up for a dirty weekend, just fishingeth for info - but they tooketh St. Greg's jealously of a sign of St. Greg being lighteth in the loafers of Wilson, and spake muchly of the mini skirt and what ifethWilson wast a freelance gyno, and other things of that natureth.

And the Slashers did SQUEE most mightily when the cop roughed St. Greg in the clinic, and St. Greg didst stuff a device uppeth the cop's bum, andst then the cop didst confront St. Greg and wish his humiliation, andst St Greg said "Nyah nyah!" andst the cop didst pull St Greg's hog over, andst didst a tummy-revealing frisketh andst then putteth St. Greg in handcuffs…

And didst leaveth the prison scenes to their imagination.

And the Hurt and Comfort fic didst rain DOWN upon the House fandom like… like… a really clever metaphor.

Here endeth the Lesson.


	16. Chapter 16

The Snark of St. Greg

Part the 16th

And the Shored did watch over the land of Forum and Void and thinkest to Himself – "Enough about St. Greg's pretty blue orbs and fabulous gams (which is a slang term for shapely legs, okeyeth?) and telleth me what I really want to knowest - "

And lo - a vision came unto Him of St. Greg of the Snarkable Mouth being romantically enthralled with some one-dimensional bimbo cough17yroldchicthingcough and yea verily - the sharp tongue of House becameth all squishy and limp.

And it was a drag.

The Shored watched in terror as St. Cuddy of the Fabulous Gazongas - being knocketh upeth our sight - did focus on her baby's demands, take maternity leave and cease to kick House in the back of his front.

And it was a drag.

And House lost his sarcastic edge and maketh 'googooeth' sounds at aforementioned infant, and did became politically correct in our sight and had celebrity guests showeth up for no good reason for cheesy manipulative storylines for cheap laffs doth insinuating themselves and no longer didst we hear the sweet ring of Hard Questions being asketh about the human condition…

and the demographic of House slippeth away liketh a pair of silk panties hung on a clothesline (okayeth that metaphor totally sucketh but you gettest the idea).

And it wast a total drag – hence the knashing of dentures…

And verily the Shored awoke in chilled sweat and sayeth to Himself, 'I must not eateth Tacos beforest nap time – but more importantly I must not let St. Greg become covered with Opera soapy residue in my sight."

And so - Ye Cameronites didst continue to wonder when in the past season Cameron received a spine transplant and gottest up uppity-like

And what happeneth to all the Apostle Chase's bling – for his wallet doth not bulgeth as before,

And if the Apostle Foreman did bonketh blonde nurses dideth mean he'd soldeth out to that Man?

And will St. James of the Perpertual Divorce Court ever findeth a relationship in his sight that doth not involve litigation?

And will St. James bonketh St. Cuddy and deliver her of a child in the elevator during a power failure?

Shall House ever payeth his parking infractions? Will he ever regaineth the use of his leg, and leapeth over the shark in our sight?

Stayeth tuned…


	17. Chapter 17

The Snark of St. Gregarious, Parteth the Seventeenth

By Bardvahalla

The Parable of the Poopethshoot

Yea Verily, there once was a healer who wast a vessel that the Shored didst pour into a great multitude of Snark, Arrogance and Self righteousness - so much so, that a lawman of the same mold did come unto the healer St. Greg and did doth shew him his most private of Netherregions and say: 'Yea Verily, I have come unto you because mine Little Elveth is red, rough, sore and verily ouchy-ouchy, yea!"

St Greg didst notice that the lawman did chewest gum infused with nicotine and he did say unto him "Thine winky is on the blinky becauseth thou chewest such." So St Greg didst make to leave yet the Lawman wast not satisfied and didst lash out at St. Greg and cry – "Thou hast thy head up thine own posterior," and did demandeth a more thorough examination.

So St. Greg didst concedeth and did stuffeth a thermometer uppeth the poopethshoot of the he who would become ArchNemisis Michael and then didst sneaketh away to his office, whist the orifice didst await for him in vain.

Then all Heck broketh loose.

The Arch Nemesis Michael didst demandeth an apology - forsooth for St. Greg to humble himself unto him, and St Greg didst say "Nyah nyah!" and did not abaseth himself, because the Shored didst infuse him with pride so we mighteth have a 6 episode story arch, oh yeaverilyuhhuhuhhuh!

And so St Greg didst get pulled over as he rideth his hog to his own abode, and did get firmly, and _thoroughly_ frisketh - abet in a completely nonsexual way - by the Lawman/Arch Nemesis Michael who did findeth Vicodin yet no receipt.

Yea, didst Arch Neminsis Michael did say unto him, 'Thou art so busted – Nyah nyah!"

And the followers of St. Greg did whine and post threads with rude words that rhymed with "Tritter" and didst beeaitch even more about legal loopholes, and forgetteth how much they sneered at St Stacy of the Adulterous Liason and yea verily - sigh prettily about how nice St. Stacy was and forgetteth how they did mailign her muchly and the OMGeth, the nerveth of the cop and so on and on ad nauseum, etc. etc. etc. until the seas dried up and the mountains wasted away and St Gore of the Inconvenient Truth did pout and say – I toldeth you soeth…

Anywayeth… It came to pass that St. Greg did doeth time in the crowbar hotel, until the Apostle/St. Wilson didst post a vast multitudeness of bailmoney – with much knashing of teeth, and beeaitching and wonder at what St Greg dideth with all his bling… .

To be continueth….


	18. Chapter 18

The Snark of St. Greg

Chapter 18

And it came to pass that the Profit Margin did wake up from the weekend bender, and didst make bail, and fulfill the condition of her probation and take a second job and pay all the fines and perform all the hours for community service and did faithfully swear she would never do the 'bad thing' again.1

And the cops didst reluctantly giveth her back internet access.2

And The Profit Margin didst finally catch up on the adventures of one Dr. House and say unto herself, "Yea verily, I'd best sum uppeth."3

And The Arch Nemesis Michael was smacketh down by St. Greg/StCuddy – who both didst lieth like a rug in court.4 And the Shored did leave openeth a way foreth Tritter to be written into the House story again, becauseth he doth enjoy messingeth with our minds.5

St. Cuddy of the Fabulous Woo Woos was still not knockethed up.6

And the Apostles Cameron and Chase didst doeth it like floppy-eared rodents in the Janitorial Closet, thus making the Very Secret Journals totally canon.7

And Foreman didst get overeth the whole Black/White thang and just kicketh butt as a doctor whilst St. Wilson of the Eternal Optimism, did attempt to getteth House to take it downeth a few notches narcotically. And didst fail miserably.8

And St. Greg did fake having the Big C for to getteth a humougous buzz and causeth much consternation, resulting in an awkward Chast hug and Cameron wantingeth to pricketh House and Cuddy getting her butt gropethed.9

And Dave Matthews did pop by, and so the multitude of spiffy celebrity types, for unto the third season didst the world grasp that House was the "in" show that didst put the nail into the coffin of vileness known as "reality" TV. 10

Blessed is the Shored! Halleuberriah! 11

And the Cameronites and the Cuddyites and the Wilsonites and the Stacyites didst continues their general whining and bitching and moaning and in-fighting and backstabbing and capslocking unto the end of time and space when the Shored shall finally ended the series just to shutteth them up and whereth, in the final episode, House wilst runneth off with a limber Japanese janitor – which noone will seeth coming, least of all that tool, Chris Carter (aka X-Files II? What the Fucketh art thou thinking of? That wast so ten years agoeth!) 11

Yea verily. 12

Here endeth the lesson.13

Hence the cause of the aforementioned weekend bender, which hath caused so much of mine naughtiness in the sight of the Shored, yea blearily…14


End file.
